I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
