just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
