guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
