Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
