Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
