I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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