I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
