I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize