I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize