I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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