There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
