The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
