there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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