seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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