Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
