I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
