I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
barbara walters just said penis...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
