I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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