It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
