we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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