Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
