I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
