Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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