so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
