We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
