i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
