I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
