He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
