and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
