Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
