Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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