It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
