I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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