i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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