question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
