The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
