if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
