If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
