So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
