I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
