sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
