Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
