the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
