You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
