We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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