i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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