why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize