So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
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