I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
