How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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