I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
