I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
