Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
