Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
