Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
false alarm. still invincible.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
