I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
