So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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