Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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