the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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