You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
